My problem about writing anything is, not a lack of subject material, but making myself get on here and cranking something out. You see (more so than not), if and when I do have something on my mind, I'll think, "Oh, that would make for a really good or interesting blog!" but then I get busy and I completely forget about doing it. That, or I just lose interest in it altogether and don't want to put out the effort.
I overthink what I'm typing (especially if it's a really good topic) and it ends up feeling more like an assignment that I have to over-analyze, agonizing over the whole thing.
I guess I've had so much weighing me down lately and swimming around in my head, that I figured if I just start typing, something will gradually come to fruition (as it inevitably does). But I don't want to ramble on, because who wants to read that when there are literally a million plus articles floating around just from today that actually have a point and are more interesting.
I hate sounding nonsensical and pointless. I guess I've already lost that battle up til now.
I look at the world around me, whether it be in an online capacity or in the physical real world, trying to find where I fit in. Could I have something to offer that hasn't been already been done in an infinite amount of ways, much more interesting that anything I could ever hope to be or do?
Ummm, probably not.
Originality, at this point, is nearly impossible to come by, I know that. But I guess, I figure if I'm going to take the time to do this kind of stuff, put myself out there and subject people to anything, I want it to be 'something'. Maybe I really am rambling now, but I promise I'm going somewhere with this.
At this point in my life, I don't expect much. I think I'm interesting enough, I have my quirks and in 27 years I've experienced a lot, but I'm also a realist. I would never say I'm the most interesting person in any room that I occupy, my humor isn't always the funniest (even in my own house), I'm not the smartest person (nor do I ever have the deepest insights). If I think about it, I don't know when I've ever been the smartest person in the room, excluding little kids.
This is not me feeling sorry for myself, by the way. Just telling it how it is.
Growing up in a church setting, I learned at a young age to not compare myself to others. I knew intellectually what it meant, but everyone else around me acted very differently and those actions had a stronger impact on me. It's so easy to fall into comparison and I'm my own worst critic and enemy. The world for sure had a stronger grip on me and I was easily susceptible to it's charms and deviations. Not that it's any easier as a Christian.
Everyone has their natural gifts and I know what God has blessed me with, what I excel at. Someone is always going to be better and if I'm being completely honest, that's really ok with me. I've struggled with feeling inadequate or subpar in various areas of my life and I know I always will. But facing those facts, especially getting closer to 30, I've become more comfortable with this knowledge and the role it plays in my life. Not in being less than, but that I'm not always going to be the best of the best. My 'ordinari-ness' is just apart of me and I know that it has also contributed to the good things that have happened in my life.
I've had to take what I used to view as a negative and turn it into a positive. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, I can always strive to improve in any area in my life.
So I may not be the smartest person in the room, who cares. I'll just ask more questions about a topic and learn something new each day. That, and Sudoku is a fun way to keep my mind fresh :-).
I'll always love learning, I just had to realize that everyone has their own pace. ACT scores and my old high school grades don't matter to my friends. Although I do excel at random trivia knowledge, they don't call me the walking IMDB for nothing.
I'm not the most talented athletic person, I can only get so competitive.
So what if I've always been more of a floater than been the popular girl in any place that I've been. I've gotten to meet some of the most interesting people and had some amazing experiences, more so than I could have ever imagined.
And maybe I'll never be a superstar writer or blogger. This is probably not even close to being the most interesting thing that will be uploaded to the internet today, but I have a wonderful, full life.
My troubles, heartbreaks, issues and struggles aren't as dramatic as other people I know. Even that has been a point of personal contention before.
But I still have to deal with them and seek the Lord to help overcome them. And I need His strength in order to do that.
“You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.” Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest.
What I've come to understand about what sometimes feels like my own tiny little life is that in God's eyes, I'm as big to Him as they come. As is anyone and everyone else. The little frightened girl who was timid and afraid to be myself in high school, was just as important to the creator of the universe as were the 'cool kids' who thought I was nothing better than the gum on the bottom of their shoes. God knows every hair on my head, every move that I make, (even the zits that wreaked havoc on my face) and sometimes I lose sight of that.I know that when that day comes after I've passed from this world to the next and I'm being judged for all of my actions, my people-pleaser mentality will definitely be brought up and acknowledged. And not for the good.
But I still know that I'm loved and known intimately by Christ. And all of this, all the things of the world that I tend to feel lost in and unseen or feel small in comparison to, won't matter because it comes down to what I did for the sake of Christ.
I mean, if He could die on the cross just so I could come to know Him and get to spend eternity in a place that is free of all of the crap that I've experienced, then I can at least write a few paragraphs talking about how good it is to really know the truth in that.
And that's what we call a segue, ladies and gentlemen.
Look, the real reason I exist now is simply for Christ. I get lost in the shuffle of life, on a daily basis. And for all that I do, I should just be thrown to the wayside because I claim the name of Christ and then dump all of my lousy sin all over it and probably give it a bad name. I know, live, and work around people who don't give two farts about what I believe in and they know what I believe in. I just hope that I can be in anyway different, that they can see in some little way that I love the Lord. And love them. Not for my own benefit, but for His benefit.
I've heard it said before if as a Christian that if everyone likes you, then you aren't doing it right. What I believe in and the path it takes is very narrow compared to the world. I for sure am a people-pleaser, which doesn't bode well for me in those sticky situations when I have talked to people about sin. Sin is a messy business, and when push comes to shove, I've gotten slapped in the face (figuratively, thankfully) by people, even family members, for just trying to love them and share truth. And I am a hypocrite too, because I try to walk that narrow path and often times skate right off of it.
But luckily I can hold fast to God, because of his grace and forgiveness. That's the beautiful part.
So anyways, this is again a good example of meaning to type about one thing and then completely writing about something else.
Who knows when I'll get the itch to blog again, I'm not putting pressure on myself. I just hope that I have something of substance and use when I do.
Until then, peace, love, and blessings friends.
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